Missing Mom, Joyce Carol Oates, HarperCollins, 2005, 434 pp
Summary from Goodreads: Nikki Eaton, single,
thirty-one, sexually liberated, and economically self-supporting, has
never particularly thought of herself as a daughter. Yet, following the
unexpected loss of her mother, she undergoes a remarkable transformation
during a tumultuous year that brings stunning horror, sorrow,
illumination, wisdom, and even—from an unexpected source—a nurturing
love.
My review:
I lost my mom in 2009. She and I were mostly at odds for many years. Somewhere in my 40s we began to reconcile. She stopped being so critical of me and I began to see her good points. Near the end of her life she needed 24 hour care and wished to remain at home. I honored that wish, left my job, husband, and home, and so spent the last three months of her life by her side. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. ( My wonderful husband was supportive of my choice.)
So I related to Missing Mom in a big way. Two sisters must deal with their widowed mother's gruesome death. They have never gotten along but it is the rebellious, free-spirited daughter who comes to stay at the family home, sort through the relics of the past, and deal with her loss.
In the process, she learns that her apparently sainted mother had a secret and tragic past. The woman who she knew as mom was practically a created personality who bore little resemblance to the child and teenager she had been before marriage. Learning the truth about both their parents' lives, the sisters change and find their own true selves.
I found this book somehow lighter than most of the novels I have read by JCO. Of course, lighter for her is still dark compared to many other authors, but there is a tenderness she does not usually show. I wondered about her relationship with her own parents.
It was easy to read, it made me laugh and cry, and I recommend it for female readers who have lost their mom, especially moms with whom they have had their troubles.
(Missing Mom is available in paperback on the shelf at Once Upon A Time Bookstore.)
How brave of you to honor your mother's wishes that way. There are so few people in the world today who wouldn't think of doing that...
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think living through an experience like that is transforming enough without adding a book that mirrors the experience. I'm not sure I would like it since it's so dark, but there may one day when I need to find solace in that kind of literature.
Thank you Carmen! When I was doing it I felt odd and out of step with all the craze of assisted living and retirement homes. People would tell me how amazing I was and how they wished they had done that for their moms. Secretly I thought, well why didn't you? Because 7 years have passed since then, the book was sweet and healing for me instead of dark.
DeleteThis sounds like a book that fits my circumstances and one that I should read.
ReplyDeleteI tell you, it did me a lot of good!
DeleteThat's courageous of you to be there for your mom as you did. Hats off. My mom & I have always been close but mostly geographically apart. I'd be there for her pronto but I'm not sure she'd allow it to that extent. It's more interesting when books crisscross one's own life. I think it usually helps immensely, especially with issues like these.
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you that you and your mom have been close. So true about books crisscrossing with one's own life. Possibly why I am as sane as I am.
DeleteJudy, my mom & I were estranged for 25 years, only beginning to 'see eye to eye' for the last 15 years of her life. After her sudden death in 2013, I realized that there was a lot more 'seeing' on her side than on my mine and that I should have been there for her more.
ReplyDeleteWhy wasn't I? That question is something that torments me daily. I have the greatest admiration and respect for you because you were there for your mother, despite what I'm pretty sure were complicated, conflicting emotions.
As for the book - I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to read it.
Debbie, thank you for sharing your mom story. I understand your regrets but you must forgive yourself. Even after all that went down, I still felt I had somehow failed my mom. I have come to realize that after a loved one dies (even if the relationship was rocky) there always comes guilt. Life is just weird.
DeleteHow brave you are to honour your mum's wishes that way. Thank you for sharing this personal, touching thing with us. Unlike you, my mum and I have always been very close, but geographically apart since I was eighteen (due to my studies abroad). I lost my dad several years ago, So, she's been both mother and father to me since dad passed away... I am grateful for that!
ReplyDeletePS: Great review ; -)
As you can see my post drew out plenty of mom stories. That to me is the wonder of books and why I keep this blog going. I am glad you are close to your mom. What a treasure that is.
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